Life Update.

I forgot about this. Mostly because I can't stay motivated long enough to lose weight, I don't really like seeing my failures. Which this blog is a failure. Because I am a failure. It's rough but I mean, I am. How long have I wanted to lose weight? Mostly forever. How long can I stay motivated? A week? If that. But this entry isn't really about that. Well. It is. But later. A lot has probable happened since my last entry. I mean. I don't really know what it was and I don't intend to go back and read it. But I'm just going to assume a lot has happened. Some of which I will touch up on. Some isn't needed.

First off, it's been over two months since I've gone back to this place I had felt like home at. I don't know how to describe it. Have you ever felt just.. comfortable somewhere? A safe place? Well I lost mine. I don't want to go into all of the drama. A lot of it is my fault. A lot of it is someone else's fault. But I've learned a lot from this experience. Also the Lion king quote about not running from your past, and learning from it ;) I know a lot of people see me as really innocent. I'm really friendly. I would never do or say anything mean. I'm just a weird hyper friendly crazy cat lady! But I'm not. It's extremely flattering to hear how nice people think I am.

I'm not that nice of a person.

A lot of things happened all at once to cause me to stray away from my go-to safe place. First off, two friendships ended. Maybe. Well one and a half friendships. I wont use their names. I doubt they will ever see this but if for some reason they are reading, please keep reading. It's important. I was talking badly about my friend's boyfriend (the and a half). See. I didn't like him. I don't even know WHY I didn't like him. I would talk about him to my best friend (not the one whose boyfriend it was fyi) and she told him what I said. I also spoke about it to like one other person and I guess more word got around that way. But whatever. Point is I trusted my best friend not to relay information because that was the main point of it. I got mad. I hated her. I stopped being friends with her. The other friend and her boyfriend both removed me on facebook (after he yelled at me about it at the bar). My friend blocked me on facebook. Between that, and the anger with my best friend I had now lost 3 friends. I was mad for a while but I decided to forgive my friend. I would rather go back to the way things were then forcefully keep drama in my life. I'm not a vengeful person and I don't throw friends away. As for the other friend and her boyfriend. If they ARE reading this. I want them to know that I'm sorry. I think I didn't like him because her situation wasn't changing and I just wanted her to be happy. Then I started suspecting he hated me so I hated him even more. But I don't hate him. I really am sorry.

#DRAMA.

Another reason he kind of exploded yelling at me was because my friend had told him some personal feelings I had shared with her, about my other friend. This is getting confusing typing and I probably sound like an annoying valley-girl or something. It's almost over. This friend.. I had known for many years. I probably should have explained to her how I feel rather then it coming about so awkwardly. This also ties into another part of why I left this place.

I'm very confused. I don't want to call it sexually. Is personality orientation a thing?

Lets just say it is. I'm confused. I love people. All shapes sizes genders colors. I could love anyone. I mostly find myself liking women. But not sexually. People tell me I'm definitely not a lesbian if I wouldn't have lesbian sex lol. But I don't think I would have straight sex either. I'm just not interested in sex. I'm interested in people. I don't want to say I'm in love with this girl (Not mentioned yet. lets call her Emma. Which btw is not her name. I don't even know anyone named Emma besides my cousin's daughter lol) but I think I weirdly experience what unconditional love feels like. I'm not in love with her. I don't even necessarily love her like that. Let me just explain a little. When I first met Emma, I did not find her attractive. It's funny how judgmental I am for someone who is fat. But she's big. She's tall AND big. I judged her. I did. But then I heard her sing (karaoke bars for the win). She has one of the most beautiful voices I have EVER heard. Well from someone who is just like casually at karaoke and not famous. I slowly got to know her. And hang out with her. And suddenly I felt attracted to her. I loved her company. I loved hearing her sing. I just wanted to feel close to her.

One problem. I'm me.

I annoyed Emma. It bothered her how all over her I would get. I KNEW it bothered her. And I couldn't stop. I don't have control over how I act sometimes. I don't think. I just act. She told me she felt like I was obsessed with her. Which I guess in a way I was. She stopped talking to me. I reached out twice on facebook and once by actual letter in this 2 1/2 break from seeing her at the bar. But there was never a response. I just want my friend back. I don't know how else to reach out and I just wish she could hop inside my brain and just see how I see things and think of her. Because I don't know how to word it. I just wish she could understand me, and forgive me.

In a short time I lost 4 friends. My best friend and I, we're friends again. But I'm still 3 down.

A lot of drama and typing but the relevance to all of that is tomorrow (well today since it's 2am) we will return to the bar like old times. My friend is not nervous. I am. I'm terrified. Because I don't know how the regulars will react seeing us again. Emma will be there and I don't know how she will react. I HAVE to leave her alone. That's what she wants. But this is going to be really hard for me. I'm going to have to just.. pretend she isn't there unless she talks to me. And as much as I keep daydreaming of this perfect scenario where she talks to me and we're all good. I know she won't.

I'm scared. New topic.

Next month is my birthday. I'm trying to go to Japan to see Katy Perry and have the best birthday of my life while also going to Japan which I have always wanted to do AND go to a Cat Cafe while there because I love cats so much. I'm afraid to go alone and I don't even know if I CAN go and I'm going to be devastated if I can't. (http://www.gofundme.com/d3p0j0 if you want to help me out/read more about it because I don't want to type it all here!)

I want to lose at least 10 lbs before I leave. That is my goal. I doubt I will do it but it's my goal.

I don't want to stop there though. I want to actually lose weight. I feel like I could do so much better for my life if I just got things together and lost the weight. It would open up so many doors and I would just be better at life. I know I *can* do it. But I also know I *wont*. I'm lazy. I'm not going to pretend I'm not. I'm lazy. I'm out of shape. I'm always tired. I just want to sleep forever.

But I need to lose weight.

And none of that life drama has to do with that.

I just wanted to rant because I'm afraid about tomorrow.

Meet the Fat Cat!

The first post of any blog I feel like is usually an introduction. So that's what I'm going to start with! I'm not going to advertise this blog that much. Just to a few friends who might want to see the posts to help me stay on track or anyone curious if I end up making progress or not. So most people that stumble upon this are probably going to be strangers. Strangers that don't know anything about me.

First off. Hi, I'm Lauren and I'm currently 22 years old. I'm currently working as an assistant teacher and hope that someday I will be able to be a Kindergarten teacher when I eventually get around to finishing school. I really love cats. I enjoy karaoke. I really like playing videogames (League of Legends takes up tons of my time). Oh, and I probably should get this out there now. I have a *slight* okay.. maybe a little more than slight.. obsession over Katy Perry. I don't like calling it an obsession. But I mean. There isn't really another word for it. Inspiration. Role Model. But it's an obsession and I'm sure you'll find out more later :P

This blog will hopefully be mostly about myself and my journey through attempting to lose weight but there will probably be some random posts of interests every now and then to talk about things I like, my life, or whatvever else I happen to feel like typing about! I've never been good at keeping blogs updated before but I'm hoping this time I will be able to stay with it, even just for a little while. I decided to start this after I found out a friend had starting blogging on her blog again. I thought "I should blog again.." and I had recently started using tumblr again but I didn't want to use that for my blog. And so I have this. (by the way check out her blog here : Slice of the Blog Pie).

------------------------------------------------------------------

I've always had a struggle with my weight. Well. for a really long time at least. I'm really picky so there isn't much I can do food-wise either. Anything I've ever tried I quit really fast. My motivation goes away and I just stop whatever it was I'm doing and then a few months, or a year later I get a burst of motivation to lose weight. I know I have to. It's just hard to keep that motivation there!

The problem with weighing a lot for me, is I'm so short. I'm seriously like 5'2 or something. So being short and overweight looks even WORSE then if I was  you know.. normal height. My weight is embarrassing and I feel like 80% of my problems in live would leave if I just wasn't so fat! I don't really gain weight that often so I'm confident that if I lost all the weight I want to I wouldn't gain it back but losing it is going to be really hard.

I hate saying numbers. What my weight actually is. I think there are like two people MAYBE who know how much I weigh and now I'm going to tell the internet? :( But I feel like if I don't say it, it'll be hard to keep progress on here. I weigh about 250 lbs right now. Not exactly that- I'm a little bit lower. But still pretty close to there. I would ideally like to be around 150 so my goal is probably to lose 100 lbs. But my first goal is to get back under 200. So goal #1 is to be 199 lbs. Because even that would make me so happy.

I'm going to need a lot of help and support to do this and I really hope I can stay with it.

Here's me in 2011 when I met Katy Perry

Here's me on a cruise in March 2013

...Not much has changed